Igor Romanov - Do not yell at me.

igor-romanov-dont-yell-at-me

Introduction

We have 3 options for behavior in a scandal: run away, scandalize in return, negotiate. Using the first two makes us feel bad because we either lose the argument or stoop to the level of the person trying to argue with us. It is also sometimes very difficult to come to an agreement, while you are looking for constructive arguments, the opponent reminds you of all the past mistakes.

There is an approach that allows you to get out of the situation as comfortably as possible, it consists of two components: you need to understand that extinguishing the opponent's aggression is an independent task, each of the techniques must be analyzed and worked out.

Chapter one. Causes of psychological aggression

Reasons for typical aggression:

  1. Desire to achieve a reaction (child's cry)
  2. The desire to win the competition (hot potato, defense of the fortress)
  3. The need to raise self-esteem (an attempt to convey inferiority)
  4. Relief from tension (the cause of aggression lies outside)
  5. An attempt to compensate for weakness
  6. Proximity check (so as not to leave or leave)

What not to do:

  • should not be ignored
  • don't make excuses
  • there is no need to retaliate with accusations

Chapter two. Anatomy of a household scandal

The main feature is the lack of a goal. Mechanisms of unproductive conflict:

  • attitude towards conflict
  • distorted perception
  • conflict pendulum
  • shifting the subject of negotiations
  • rooting in the past

Chapter three. Bride kidnapping technique

Aggression often feeds on public attention. Remove the audience and the aggression will come to nothing. Sources of conflict:

  • spectators, passers-by (isolation of the aggressor)
  • environment (you need to change the environment)
  • subject of conflict (remove from sight)

Chapter four. Technique "caring dad"

There are three ego-states of a person: parent, adult, child. Often, the conflict is prolonged due to the cycle of changing roles and turning to the wrong role of a person. A change in the ego state of one of the participants in the conflict serves as protection.

Chapter five. "Working meeting" technique

The technique is also based on changing the ego's role. Only this time you need to turn into a super constructive adult.

Chapter Six. "Interview" technique

The interview technique is that you have to ask questions in order to really understand what the aggressor wants. Only meaning is important.

Chapter seven. "Pattern Break" Technique

The aggressor has a certain number of reaction options in his head. If you do something that the aggressor does not expect, he will be confused and shocked, experience cognitive dissonance and stop arguing.

Chapter eight. Technique "Switching attention"

It is necessary to briefly answer the claims and switch to a new topic.

Chapter nine. "Amortization" technique

Agreeing with the opponent's position and then redirecting it in the right direction.

Chapter ten. Technique "Stuck record"

Assertiveness - confident behavior in conflict situations. Repetition of requirements with minimal changes.

Chapter eleven. Careful manipulations

Guilt is the opposite of duty. The manipulator strikes purposefully, appeals to a sense of duty and other buttons of the soul. Step-by-step algorithm of protection against manipulation:

  1. Understand which soul string the enemy is trying to play.
  2. Separate the manipulator's interests from your own.
  3. Prioritize what is more important to you?
  4. Use one of the seven techniques and extinguish the conflict or claim manipulation.

Chapter twelve. Triggers or how to start an interlocutor with half a turn

Most often, the conflict occurs after the trigger phrase:

  • Disparaging evaluations
  • Assessment of emotional state
  • Demonstration of mistrust
  • Accusations
  • Non-appeal requirements
  • Unsolicited advice
  • Speculative conclusions
  • Demonstration of indifference
  • Assessment of appearance
  • Encroachment on value
  • Depreciation
  • Violation of personal boundaries
  • False sympathy
  • Rudeness

Chapter thirteen. Principles of inner peace

  1. Feel relaxed.
    • The tension of all parts of the body followed by relaxation will make it possible to feel calm.
  2. Create a resource state.
    • Calculate your resource state and conduct all conversations in your resource state.
  3. Deal with conflict.
    1. Imagine the conflict and record it.
    2. Discolor the picture you attached.
    3. Imagine yourself leaving your body, turn on the resource anchor, the conflict now exists separately from you.
    4. Take another step back and leave your body.