Matthew McKay - Emotional balance.

matthew-mc-kay-emotional-balance

Introduction

Trying to stop feeling emotions just doesn't work. Setting yourself up to ignore your own feelings leads to relationship problems and a feeling of losing control over your life.

Secondary emotions are your reactions to primary emotions. Sometimes the reaction can be much stronger than the emotion itself.

Learn to recognize your emotions in time.

Chapter one. Recognize your emotions

Your goal is to identify both primary and secondary emotions and their impact on your subsequent feelings.

Emotion recognition sequence:

  1. What happened? Who was involved?
  2. Why did it happen?
  3. How did you feel emotionally and physically?
  4. What did you want to do as a result?
  5. What did you do and say?
  6. How did your emotions and actions affect you in the future?

Describing emotions in writing will help you cope with them. Also, write down your emotions in a journal for confirmation.

Incorrect coping strategies:

  • Deep immersion in past pain.
  • Fear of possible future pain.
  • Isolation from others.
  • Using alcohol or drugs to numb the pain.
  • Blaming others for their own problems.
  • Behavior that is dangerous for oneself.
  • Abuse of sex.
  • Refusal to search for the causes of one's problems.
  • Feeding emotions through food.
  • Putting yourself at risk.
  • Avoidance of pleasant activities.

Chapter two. Emotional growth

GROWTH strategy:

  • Relax.
  • Assess the situation.
  • Formulate your intention.
  • Work to achieve it.

Even if the result is not perfect, it will be less emotionally charged.

This process may seem time-consuming, but it actually only takes a few seconds with consistent practice.

Chapter three. Get distracted

Being distracted is not running away from problems. Find useful activities that distract you and indulge in them. Once the emotions have calmed down, you will be able to deal with the situation more effectively or decide whether it is worth dealing with at all.

Chapter four. Relax and calm yourself down

Remember that your feelings have a great influence on your emotional state.

Use aromatherapy, visuals and sound to create a calming environment.

Create a time-out to restore emotional balance.

Chapter five. Use deep relaxation

Choose a signal word to use during deep relaxation. Practice regularly and the process will take less and less time.

Use progressive muscle relaxation to relax the muscles of the body.

Chapter Six. Try radical acceptance

See your life from a new perspective. More anger usually doesn't lead to change. Rather, accept reality as it is and work with what you have.

Statement of radical acceptance:

  • Everything is happening as it should be.
  • The past led to what is now.
  • I cannot change the past.
  • I control only what is happening now.
  • The present moment is all there is.

Chapter seven. Live now

Don't dwell on the mistakes of the past, live now.

Questions for self-test:

  • Where am I now?
  • Do I plan anything in the future?
  • Do I travel to the past?
  • Do I think about what my life could be like?

If your attention is not focused on the present moment, direct it to current events and feelings.

  • Pay attention to what you are thinking about now and recognize time travel.
  • Focus again on the present moment.
  • Pay attention to your breathing.
  • Pay attention to how your body feels.
  • Pay attention to your thoughts.
  • Note any painful emotions you may be experiencing.

Listen to the moment. Sit in a chair, turn off all distractions. Inhale through the nose and exhale through the mouth. Feel your belly expand. Listen to all the sounds coming from outside and inside your body. Count all these sounds. Actively listen to the surrounding sounds, count them.

Mark a minute and try to mentally guess when it will end.

Chapter eight. Use awareness

Mindfulness is the ability to understand your thoughts in the present moment without criticism or judgment. Your thoughts and feelings differ in different situations. To learn to be aware of the present moment, it is necessary to accept it without judgment.

Breathe slowly, describe the emotion you feel at the moment, observe it until it changes to another. Watch the emotion change.

Chapter nine. Practice conscious breathing

Conscious breathing:

  • Find a place where you will not be disturbed.
  • Set a timer.
  • Close your eyes if you feel more comfortable.
  • Take a few breaths and exhales.
  • Put your hand on your stomach.
  • Inhale through the nose and exhale through the mouth.
  • Feel how the stomach rises and shrinks during breathing.
  • Feel the air pass through your nostrils.
  • Feel the flow of air on your lips.
  • Start counting breaths to four and start again.

Slow breathing:

  • Find a place where you will not be disturbed.
  • Set a timer.
  • Close your eyes if you feel more comfortable.
  • Take a few breaths and exhales.
  • Put your hand on your stomach.
  • Inhale through the nose and exhale through the mouth.
  • Feel your stomach rise and fall as you breathe.
  • Feel the air pass through your nostrils.
  • Feel the flow of air on your lips.
  • Count your inhalations and exhalations.
  • Breathe slowly and measuredly.

Chapter ten. Use wise mind meditation

A wise mind is the ability to make decisions based on both rational thoughts and emotions. Too much rational can be harmful, a balance between rational and emotional is necessary.

Wise Mind Meditation:

  • Set the timer for 3-5 minutes.
  • Find a place where you will not be disturbed.
  • Close your eyes if you feel more comfortable.
  • Feel the central bone of your chest.
  • Put your hand between this point and the navel.
  • Take a few deep breaths and exhales.
  • Inhale through the nose and exhale through the mouth.
  • Feel your stomach rise and fall as you breathe.
  • Allow your attention to focus on the points under the palm.
  • Continue to breathe and focus on the center of the wise mind.
  • Pay attention to your thoughts; if there are decisions to be made, think about them for a few seconds.
  • Ask the center of the wise mind what needs to be done about these problems.
  • Keep breathing.

Chapter eleven. Increase the number of positive emotions

Loving Kindness:

  • Take a comfortable position.
  • Focus on breathing.
  • Open up and soften as much as you think is necessary.
  • Pause for one minute.
  • Switch attention to yourself, maybe you have urgent problems.
  • Say the phrase as a mother would say to her child about herself; talk about what all people want.
  • Switch focus to a friend or group of people.

We all make mistakes, but the truth is that constantly punishing yourself won't help, it will only make things worse. Self-compassion requires radical acceptance: you are you, and you deserve happiness and kindness. You've dealt with your share of pain, you deserve to be kind to yourself.

Chapter twelve. Overcome in a moment

Think encouraging thoughts, especially when you're just starting to feel stressed. Examples:

  • It won't last forever.
  • I managed to be in many painful situations.
  • Now I feel uncomfortable, but it will pass.
  • I may be in a platoon, but I will still solve this problem.
  • I have enough strength to cope with this.
  • For me, this is an opportunity to deal with my fears.
  • I managed to survive in other similar situations, and I will survive this one too.