Erich Fromm - The art of loving
Part 1.
Falling in love occurs when each person finds the best available object on the market, considering their exchange value. There are two ways to enhance this value: success and beauty. Women choose beauty, while men opt for success.
Beauty is always defined by society.
True understanding is the intuition born through acquiring theoretical knowledge and practice.
The third factor is the degree of importance of the activity; love is not given the leading role.
Part 2. Love Theory
Chapter 1. Love as the Solution to the Problem of Existence.
- Sadism
Love is not symbiotic; it allows avoiding loneliness and strengthening personality.
Love is an activity, not a passive effect.
Love is the desire to give, instigated by nature.
A man who doesn't let himself become impotent, and a woman who isn't frigid.
A miser is unwilling to give, hence always remains poor.
The poor share willingly, unlike the rich.
When the poor miss the opportunity to give, they feel terrible.
We live to give, and if only one gives in love, such love is incomplete.
Chapter 2. Love Between Parents and Children
In the early stages of life, a child does not feel love for its mother, understanding only basic concepts like cold or hunger. During this time, they possess narcissistic feelings. A mother's love for her child is unconditional; she loves it for merely existing. It is impossible to love someone in this way.
At the age of 6-7, children start feeling love, expressing it through gifts—pictures they draw themselves.
Immature love is "I love you because I need you." Mature love is "You are needed because I love you."
Chapter 3. Object of Love
Brotherly love, as mentioned in the Bible—love for a stranger or a foreigner, or the poor. It involves respect and mutual assistance. The one receiving it needs no help; they only require love.
Maternal love is unconditional love of the stronger for the weaker. A mother should provide a child with milk and honey. Every mother gives milk; only a successful one provides honey. A mother might have the weakness of her child and fall into narcissism. A mother should desire the separation of the child; this is the difference from erotic love. An egoist seeks advantages for oneself and cannot love. An altruist, wanting nothing for themselves, takes pride in it and is often troubled by the fact that despite their altruism, they may be unhappy in relationships. Sometimes altruism is worse than egoism.
The one who knows much remains silent.
Love for God is impossible without love for parents. God is loved for who He is, not for what He does for the individual.
Part 3. Love and Its Definition in Modern Western Society. Consumer Model of Human and Its Impact on Love
Families nowadays live without love, projecting it onto their children. Love for God becomes an integration into personal success. Earlier, Carnegie's books discussed reputation; now there are books where pastors advise loving God to achieve success.
Part 4. Practice of Love
Lack of time harms us, preventing us from mastering any art. People suffering from narcissism find it challenging to understand that their needs should not be satisfied by others. A sick person calls the doctor and asks for an appointment. The doctor responds that they can only take them in a week. To this, the patient appeals, living just 5 minutes from the hospital, not understanding that the doctor is occupied.
Since love contradicts narcissism, it requires the development of modesty, objectivity, and reason. Mentally ill individuals differ from healthy ones in their worldview; they think the world is arranged as they see it.